Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Johnny Depp Looks Worse For Wear
Cast: Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Orlando Bloom, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario, Kevin McNally, Geoffrey Rush
Directors: Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg
Rated as PG-13 due to contain sequences of adventure violence and some suggestive material
Running time: 129 minutes
It always needs a great effort to keep track of who’s alive or dead in this multi-sequel epic pirate adventure of Captain Jack Sparrow. Over 12 hours total running time, the Pirates saga is starting to make the storytelling in The Lord of the Rings feel fleet by comparison, and a post-credits hints that Pirates of the Caribbean 5 Dead Men Tell No Tales may not be the final sails after all as trailers once promised.
The movie opens with dissolute, chronically soused pirate antihero, Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), still alive, even though one character speculates that he may not be. Depp is looking a worse due to ages, but with some trick with special effect, his character still keeps Depp’s edge of his youth.
As you may remember, Jack’s beloved ship, the Black Pearl, has been shrunk to the size of a toy, which he carries in a bottle around his neck. His replacement vessel, in an attempt at humor that epitomizes the tone of the cheesy screenplay, is called the Dying Gull.
There are other joke throughout Pirates of the Caribbean 5 Dead Men Tell No Tales movie. Most of them fall into the category of mildly naughty Dad Jokes, and include a ribald misinterpretation of the word horologist. At another point, lady scientist Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario), referring to a celestial chart, says, gesturing heavenward “The map is there”, the pirate immediately reply with “At the tip of your finger?”. It’s like The Three Stooges with swords.
After a ridiculously bank robbery dragging an entire building through the streets of St. Martin like a massive, rickety sleigh, Jack’s services are sought in the search for Poseidon’s Trident – a mystical talisman thought to have the power to break sea curses.
There are two curses in need to be broken: the curse trapping Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) in a state of putrescent decay aboard the shipwrecked Flying Dutchman and the curse keeping Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem), a Beetlejuice-like wraith, alive in ghost form.
Javier Bardem has a lot of fun with the role of the villain, especially when his character in Pirates of the Caribbean 5 Dead Men Tell No Tales spits out the name of Jack Sparrow as he pronounces something like “Yuck Epatto” as if it were a piece of rotten food. Salazar has got an old vendetta with Jack when he’s just become a pirate captain.
Other than that, there’s not much that you need to know. There are naval chase scenes and booming cannons, and more visual effects that you can shake a cutlass at including one scene that resembles the parting of the Red Sea in “The Ten Commandments”. Another sequence, featuring Jack stuck in a guillotine that is twirling around and around like a lethal fidget spinner, is hilarious.
Pirates of the Caribbean 5 Dead Men Tell No Tales remains true to its Disney theme park roots. Loud, overstimulating and hard to take in all in one sitting, it feels like the vacation that you’ll need a vacation from.